This was written with the understanding that our child’s preschool was liberal and supportive, but not particularly educated or experienced in handling social transition for transgender kids.
Dear [teachers and principal],
We wanted to touch base about [child’s name], who some of you may already know has begun identifying as a girl. (We will be in touch to set up a time to meet so we can discuss all this in person.) [Child] first told us that she’s a girl at the beginning of November, and we honestly didn’t think much of it, but as she continued telling us, we have begun using she/her pronouns and are asking others to do the same.
Currently, [child] doesn’t seem too bothered by the wrong pronouns being used, and we understand it will take some time for people to get used to it, assuming this continues. The pediatrician said it’s probably fine for now as long as no one tries to “correct” [child] when she asserts she’s a girl.
[Child] doesn’t see any of this as a big deal, and we don’t want her to think we see it as a big deal either. Gender has always been presented to her in the vein of “when babies are born, people make a guess about what gender they are, but we don’t know for sure until those babies get big enough to tell us themselves.” She knows that someone’s gender identity can be boy, girl, both, or neither, and that it can change day to day or year to year. (Hers has remained consistently “girl” since her first declaration.)
While we’re hoping/expecting this has little to no impact on life at school for now, we wanted to check in about a few things:
1) Gender dysphoria — [Child] is totally comfortable with her body right now. When she’s asked in the past, we’ve explained that “some people have penises and some people have vulvas” without specifying that most people with penises are male etc. Please keep an ear out, especially in the bathroom, for kids talking about genitalia as related to gender. We don’t know if [child] has gotten this messaging yet and is fine with it, or if she has yet to hear it and could find it upsetting. If it comes up, we’d like the message emphasized to [child] and any other kids involved in the conversation that some girls DO have penises.
Also, please obviously let us know if you see any sign that [child] is uncomfortable with her body.
2) Division by gender — We can’t think of any time that students are split up by gender, but wanted to double check. Are there any instances when girls and boys are separated/grouped?
3) Parent volunteers, substitutes, & other adults — We would like to send an email to parents of [child’s] classmates. Would you like to share an email list with us, or would you prefer we send you the text and you forward it on our behalf?
Also, for the remainder of the school year, please ensure in advance that substitutes, other teachers, parent volunteers, and any other assisting adults know that [child] is identifying as a girl and using she/her pronouns. If any balk, please make sure they’re not left alone with her or in a position where they could give her any damaging messages or try to “correct” her.
4) Peers — We would like to come in to read a children’s book (that’s also great for adults!) called It Feels Good To Be Yourself to the class, to make sure all children are familiar with the idea of gender identity being something each person identifies for themselves, rather than necessarily correlating with assigned sex. Can we schedule a time to make that happen?
When children misgender [child], it may be useful to casually repeat sentences with corrected pronouns (“You’re wondering how much longer she’ll use that truck? Let’s ask her!”).
If students express confusion, feel free to address it most simply as: “[Child] has told us she’s a girl. We didn’t know that she was a girl before, but now we do!” And, “We call people what they want to be called.”
If pressed further, you can explain as mentioned above: When babies are born, grown-ups guess whether they’re a boy or a girl. Sometimes they end up being right and sometimes it turns out they’re wrong. We don’t know for sure whether someone is a girl, a boy, both, or neither until that person tells us. [Child] just told us she’s a girl.
You might also refer back to the aforementioned book, a copy of which we will leave in the classroom.
5) Resources – Here is a list of resources you may find useful. The book list was compiled by a transgender teen and is super comprehensive! (Link: http://bit.ly/TransgenderBooklistPlusPD)
Thank you so much for your support and understanding. We don’t know where this journey will take us, but we are grateful to have you as allies. We look forward to talking in person!
With gratitude,
[parents]
Trans Parenting: Letters to the World 