Trans Parenting: Letters to the World

Letter To Teachers About Transgender Teen Entering High School

In 2011, this letter about a transgender teen girl was shared on a blog by Sarah and Ian Hoffman, authors of Jacob’s New Dress and the parents of a gender expansive son. The full blog post has a few more details about how the teen and her family handled the start of high school.

Dear teachers:

I look forward to meeting you in person in the near future, but in the mean time there is an important matter I need to discuss with you.

My child is an incoming freshman and is in your class (English 9, 1^st period; Algebra 1, 2^nd period; Health, 3^rd period; Spanish 1, 4^th period; Dance PE, 5^th period). On your roster, her name appears as James R—–, and her gender appears as male. However, my daughter is transgender; she identifies as a female, and her name is Jamie. It would be wonderful if you can correct the name on your roster before class starts so that Jamie does not have to make this awkward correction.

I am concerned because transgender teens have the highest percentage rate of discrimination, bullying, and assault (Jamie suffered all of these from students and staff at her middle school last year). Likewise, they have the highest percentage of depression, self-mutilation, and suicide. Jamie is in good spirits, I have no immediate fears about her emotional state, and I would like to look to you, her teachers, to please help her feel safe in school. The research by the California Safe School committee indicates that one of the most important factors in keeping trans students safe is having a trusted teacher or staff member who they recognize as an ally, and who will take action if the student is aggressed.

I understand that Gender Spectrum does training at your school, and that there are other LGBTQ students, so I am hoping that this year goes smoothly. I in no way intend this message to be confrontational, but just so that we start the year off on the same page I would like to reiterate that state law, and county and district policy supports the T in LGBTQ: “Transgender and gender non-conforming students have the right to be addressed by a name and pronoun corresponding to their gender identity. This is true regardless of whether the student has obtained a court ordered name or gender change. Intentionally addressing a student by the incorrect name or pronoun is a form of discrimination. The directive does not prohibit inadvertent slips or honest mistakes, but it does apply to an intentional and persistent refusal to respect a student’s gender identity.”

I also have some concern about where Jamie will change clothes, I hope that we can meet with Ms. Billings today or that Jamie can have a moment of her time tomorrow during class. Again, the legal standards are clear: “In locker rooms that involve undressing in front of others, transgender students who want to use the locker room corresponding to their gender identity must be provided an accommodation that best meets the student’s needs. Such accommodations can include: (A) use of a private area within the public area (a bathroom stall with a door, an area separated by a curtain, a PE instructor’s office in the locker room), (B) a separate changing schedule in the private area (either utilizing the locker room before or after the other students), (C) use of a nearby private area (a nearby restroom, a nurse’s office), (D) access to the locker room corresponding to the student’s sex assigned at birth, or (E) satisfaction of PE requirement by independent study outside of gym class (either before or after school or at a local recreational facility). It is not an acceptable accommodation to deny a student’s opportunity for physical education either through not allowing the student to have PE or by forcing the student to have PE outside of the assigned class time. Requiring a transgender student to use the locker room corresponding to the student’s sex assigned at birth is likewise prohibited…All students have a right to safe and appropriate restroom facilities. This includes the right to use a restroom that corresponds to the student’s gender identity, regardless of the student’s sex assigned at birth. Requiring the student to `prove’ their gender (by requiring a doctor’s letter, identity documents, etc.) is not acceptable. The student’s self-identification is the sole measure of the student’s gender, per Title IX and The California Student Safety and Violence Prevention Act of 2000 (AB 357).”

I believe you are all compassionate people, and I am confident that Wawona High School will be welcoming.

Thank you for your consideration . . . and if you have any wish-list items for your classrooms, please let me know!

Sincerely,

Parent

Letter About Gender Expansive Son To Classmates’ Parents (Kindergarten)

This letter by Sarah and Ian Hoffman, authors of Jacob’s New Dress, was posted to their blog in 2011 — please check out the full post on their site here. Names have been left unredacted because this was already posted publicly by Sarah and Ian.

Dear Kindergarten parents:

We are Ian and Sarah Hoffman, the parents of Sam Hoffman. We are writing to introduce our family to those of you who don’t yet know us, to share some information about Sam with those who have questions, and to express our gratitude for the kindness and understanding that so many parents and children have shown Sam.

As you may know, Sam is a boy who likes to wear a dress, has long hair, and loves the color pink. Some parents and kids have assumed that he is a girl (which is quite understandable). Sam also likes traditional “boy” things, like knights, castles, and dinosaurs. Clinically, children like Sam are called gender nonconforming; we like to call him a pink boy—the male equivalent of a tomboy.

We have worked hard over the last few years to educate ourselves about gender-nonconforming children. We have learned a lot, though there is much we still don’t know—for example, we don’t know why some kids are gender nonconforming. No one knows whether or not a particular child will “grow out” of it. And it’s not possible to know whether in adulthood a particular child will be gay, straight, bisexual, or transgender (although we do think it’s too early to know these things for any child).

Here are some things we do know: gender expression is an important part of every person’s identity, and it’s inborn—not something we choose. Gender-nonconforming children are often teased and stigmatized for their differences, and research shows that their stress levels are higher than those of gender-normative kids. Studies also show that support and acceptance from a gender-nonconforming child’s family, peers, and community make a huge difference in future health and mental health outcomes. For these reasons, we were very careful to choose a school community that would be accepting of Sam’s differences.

We realize that gender nonconformity isn’t something that most people come across every day, and that some kids have questions about Sam (Is he a boy or a girl? Why does he like pink? Aren’t dresses only for girls?). We also know that some parents have questions too. (Has he always been like that? What do I say to my child when she or he has questions about Sam? Will being friends with Sam make my son want to wear dresses?). We think these are all perfectly normal questions, and we want to do our best to answer them.

When kids have questions, simplicity is usually best. Some helpful answers are: “Everyone’s different.” “Some kids like both feminine and masculine things (or girl things and boy things), and that’s OK.” “Sam wears a dress (wears pink, has long hair, etc.) because that’s what feels best for him.”

As you can imagine, it is difficult for Sam to address questions directly from other kids. He doesn’t dress and act this way for attention, so the extra attention makes him uncomfortable. Therefore, we ask that you let your children know that it’s better for them to approach you, or us, or one of their teachers if they have questions.

If you have questions for us, or if you want to talk more about any of this, please feel free to call, email, or talk with us at school. We will do our best to address your concerns. Our teacher, Ms. Sunshine, is also very attentive to the situation and is happy to answer any questions you have, especially about how best to talk to your kids about gender difference. In addition, our school counselor will hold a discussion about gender nonconformity in December; details to follow. We invite you all to attend.

We are grateful for the kindness and acceptance so many of you have shown Sam these last two months. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Ian and Sarah Hoffman

Social Media Post To Extended Family/Friends Expected To Be Accepting

Subject: 5-year-old twins (one cis, one trans)

Audience: social media group of extended family/friends who would probably be accepting…but you never know for sure until you tell them.

Hi everyone!

We haven’t been posting much recently because life has been especially distracting in recent months, but there is something we’d like to share.

Did you know that most children realize their “true gender” between 3 to 5 years of age? I’ll admit, it’s not something I’d given much thought because as a straight cisgendered (that is someone whose internal sense of gender matches their physical anatomy) MAN/WOMAN, I never really HAD to think about it, but yup, 3 to 5 is when you start to figure out whether your gender matches your sex. Or you start to figure out that it doesn’t. And if you’re really lucky you’re in a place where you’re able to share that with your family so they can start getting right what they’d previously been getting wrong.

So, that’s the stage of life the twins are currently living. TWIN A has figured out that (POSSESSIVE PRONOUN) gender matches (POSSESSIVE PRONOUN) body, and TWIN B has figured out that (AFFIRMED GENDER POSSESSIVE PRONOUN) gender doesn’t. For all these years we’ve been thinking of TWIN B as a (GENDER ASSIGNED AT BIRTH), and now we know that wasn’t right.

So, as a friend of mine often says “know better, do better.” Now we know better. We now know that gender identity is clear to children when they are younger than we’d imagined. We know that there’s a difference between being a “(ASSIGNED GENDER) who likes (SOMETHING STEREOTYPICALLY NOT FOR ASSIGNED GENDER)” and being a “(AFFIRMED GENDER) in a (ASSIGNED GENDER) body.” We know that both are awesome ways to be, and that the only way to know which one a child is, is to ask them and listen to what they’re saying. We now know that treating children in a way that affirms their internal sense of gender is the only acceptable way to treat them, because they alone know what the experience of being them feels like. We know that treating them in a way that doesn’t affirm their expertise in that area often has dire consequences.

And we know that (TWIN B) is also a (AFFIRMED GENDER)’s name. And that our (TWIN B) is a (AFFIRMED GENDER). And (PRONOUN) is perfect exactly as (PRONOUN) is. (Okay, we always knew about the perfect part.)

We also know that it can be hard to think about things in new ways, and difficult to break old habits and establish new patterns. So we know that, going forward, it might feel a little strange at first to use (POSSESSIVE PRONOUN) correct pronouns. You might slip up from time to time and forget to use “(PRONOUN)” or “(POSSESSIVE PRONOUN)” and we understand. We make the same mistake sometimes! So don’t feel ashamed if that happens. And please don’t feel offended if we gently remind you of (POSSESSIVE PRONOUN) pronouns when we hear you slip. Because now that we “know better” that is how we’ve helped each other “do better.”

If you’re interested in recommendations of books to read to either educate yourself or help explain things to young children, we’re happy to recommend a few. If you want to stick to visual media, Gender Revolution (a Katie Couric special that is sometimes available on Netflix) is a good place to start.

If you want to just use the (AFFIRMED GENDER) pronouns and trust us that this is the right thing for our child, that’s fantastic, too!

Well! Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get back to why we’re all here: pictures of these two cuties!

Email to Classmates’ Parents (Liberal Preschool)

This is an email we sent to the parents of other 3-year-olds at our AMAB daughter’s school. As referenced at the end, we sent this after reading a book about gender identity to the class.

Dear families,

Hello! [Parent name] and [parent name] here, parents of [child’s name], who is in [teacher’s] class. Some of you may have already heard this from us or through the grapevine. We wanted to let you know that [child], who many of you and your children may have known as a boy, has let us know that she is actually a girl.

She first told us at the beginning of November and has been increasingly insistent and persistent since then. She uses the words “sister” and “girl” to refer to herself and prefers she/her pronouns. When classmates have asked her, she has told them she’s a girl.

We wanted to give you a heads up so that you can use the right words if [child] comes up at home to set an example for your kids, and because your children may have questions.

In case it might be useful for anyone, here are a few gender identity talking points:

1) When babies are born, grown-ups make a guess about whether they are a boy or a girl. That guess might turn out to be right, or it could turn out to be wrong. Both are fine!

2) Sex vs. gender – Sex refers to the biological assignment (male or female, boy or girl) given by grown-ups at birth. Gender is what a person knows themself to be (girl, boy, both, or neither). Gender identity can change, year to year or even day to day. Everyone knows their own self the best.

3) AVOID: “Are you a boy or a girl?”

INSTEAD: “Are you a boy, girl, both, or neither? That is your gender.”

4) AVOID: “People choose their own gender.”

INSTEAD: “Everyone knows their own gender.” “Whatever someone says their gender is, that’s what it is.” “Only you get to say what your gender is.” “Everyone gets to say who they are.”

5) AVOID: “[Child] thinks she’s a girl.”

INSTEAD: “Now I know [child] is a girl! So now I’ll say ‘she’ instead of ‘he’ when I’m talking about her.”

AVOID: “[Child] was a boy, and now she’s a girl.”

INSTEAD: “We thought [child] was a boy, but it turns out, she’s been a girl the whole time! So now I’ll say ‘she’ instead of ‘he’ when I’m talking about her.”

6) We call people what they want to be called.

7) If a child asks about body parts —

AVOID: “Some girls have boy-parts. Some boys have girl-parts.”

INSTEAD: “Some girls have penises. Some boys have vulvas.”

8) For adults: One-page basics about what it means to be transgender by HRC and Trans Equality

Related Children’s Books

Yesterday, [parent] read the book It Feels Good To Be Yourself to [teacher]’s class and answered questions. If you’d like to add it or other age-appropriate books about gender-expansive or transgender kids to your home library, here are a few great ones to start with (we are happy to provide more upon request!):

–It Feels Good To Be Yourself

–A House For Everyone

–Who Are You?

–When Aidan Became A Brother

Thank you all for your support of [child’s] journey! We feel so lucky to be a part of [school]’s caring and supportive community. Please feel free to contact either of us with any questions at all.

Warmly,

[parents & email addresses]

Initial Email to Teacher & Principal (Liberal Preschool)

This was written with the understanding that our child’s preschool was liberal and supportive, but not particularly educated or experienced in handling social transition for transgender kids.

Dear [teachers and principal],

We wanted to touch base about [child’s name], who some of you may already know has begun identifying as a girl. (We will be in touch to set up a time to meet so we can discuss all this in person.) [Child] first told us that she’s a girl at the beginning of November, and we honestly didn’t think much of it, but as she continued telling us, we have begun using she/her pronouns and are asking others to do the same.

Currently, [child] doesn’t seem too bothered by the wrong pronouns being used, and we understand it will take some time for people to get used to it, assuming this continues. The pediatrician said it’s probably fine for now as long as no one tries to “correct” [child] when she asserts she’s a girl.

[Child] doesn’t see any of this as a big deal, and we don’t want her to think we see it as a big deal either. Gender has always been presented to her in the vein of “when babies are born, people make a guess about what gender they are, but we don’t know for sure until those babies get big enough to tell us themselves.” She knows that someone’s gender identity can be boy, girl, both, or neither, and that it can change day to day or year to year. (Hers has remained consistently “girl” since her first declaration.)

While we’re hoping/expecting this has little to no impact on life at school for now, we wanted to check in about a few things:

1) Gender dysphoria — [Child] is totally comfortable with her body right now. When she’s asked in the past, we’ve explained that “some people have penises and some people have vulvas” without specifying that most people with penises are male etc. Please keep an ear out, especially in the bathroom, for kids talking about genitalia as related to gender. We don’t know if [child] has gotten this messaging yet and is fine with it, or if she has yet to hear it and could find it upsetting. If it comes up, we’d like the message emphasized to [child] and any other kids involved in the conversation that some girls DO have penises.

Also, please obviously let us know if you see any sign that [child] is uncomfortable with her body.

2) Division by gender — We can’t think of any time that students are split up by gender, but wanted to double check. Are there any instances when girls and boys are separated/grouped?

3) Parent volunteers, substitutes, & other adults — We would like to send an email to parents of [child’s] classmates. Would you like to share an email list with us, or would you prefer we send you the text and you forward it on our behalf?

Also, for the remainder of the school year, please ensure in advance that substitutes, other teachers, parent volunteers, and any other assisting adults know that [child] is identifying as a girl and using she/her pronouns. If any balk, please make sure they’re not left alone with her or in a position where they could give her any damaging messages or try to “correct” her.

4) Peers — We would like to come in to read a children’s book (that’s also great for adults!) called It Feels Good To Be Yourself to the class, to make sure all children are familiar with the idea of gender identity being something each person identifies for themselves, rather than necessarily correlating with assigned sex. Can we schedule a time to make that happen?

When children misgender [child], it may be useful to casually repeat sentences with corrected pronouns (“You’re wondering how much longer she’ll use that truck? Let’s ask her!”).

If students express confusion, feel free to address it most simply as: “[Child] has told us she’s a girl. We didn’t know that she was a girl before, but now we do!” And, “We call people what they want to be called.”

If pressed further, you can explain as mentioned above: When babies are born, grown-ups guess whether they’re a boy or a girl. Sometimes they end up being right and sometimes it turns out they’re wrong. We don’t know for sure whether someone is a girl, a boy, both, or neither until that person tells us. [Child] just told us she’s a girl.

You might also refer back to the aforementioned book, a copy of which we will leave in the classroom.

5) Resources – Here is a list of resources you may find useful. The book list was compiled by a transgender teen and is super comprehensive! (Link: http://bit.ly/TransgenderBooklistPlusPD)

Thank you so much for your support and understanding. We don’t know where this journey will take us, but we are grateful to have you as allies. We look forward to talking in person!

With gratitude,

[parents]