This is an email we sent to the parents of other 3-year-olds at our AMAB daughter’s school. As referenced at the end, we sent this after reading a book about gender identity to the class.
Dear families,
Hello! [Parent name] and [parent name] here, parents of [child’s name], who is in [teacher’s] class. Some of you may have already heard this from us or through the grapevine. We wanted to let you know that [child], who many of you and your children may have known as a boy, has let us know that she is actually a girl.
She first told us at the beginning of November and has been increasingly insistent and persistent since then. She uses the words “sister” and “girl” to refer to herself and prefers she/her pronouns. When classmates have asked her, she has told them she’s a girl.
We wanted to give you a heads up so that you can use the right words if [child] comes up at home to set an example for your kids, and because your children may have questions.
In case it might be useful for anyone, here are a few gender identity talking points:
1) When babies are born, grown-ups make a guess about whether they are a boy or a girl. That guess might turn out to be right, or it could turn out to be wrong. Both are fine!
2) Sex vs. gender – Sex refers to the biological assignment (male or female, boy or girl) given by grown-ups at birth. Gender is what a person knows themself to be (girl, boy, both, or neither). Gender identity can change, year to year or even day to day. Everyone knows their own self the best.
3) AVOID: “Are you a boy or a girl?”
INSTEAD: “Are you a boy, girl, both, or neither? That is your gender.”
4) AVOID: “People choose their own gender.”
INSTEAD: “Everyone knows their own gender.” “Whatever someone says their gender is, that’s what it is.” “Only you get to say what your gender is.” “Everyone gets to say who they are.”
5) AVOID: “[Child] thinks she’s a girl.”
INSTEAD: “Now I know [child] is a girl! So now I’ll say ‘she’ instead of ‘he’ when I’m talking about her.”
AVOID: “[Child] was a boy, and now she’s a girl.”
INSTEAD: “We thought [child] was a boy, but it turns out, she’s been a girl the whole time! So now I’ll say ‘she’ instead of ‘he’ when I’m talking about her.”
6) We call people what they want to be called.
7) If a child asks about body parts —
AVOID: “Some girls have boy-parts. Some boys have girl-parts.”
INSTEAD: “Some girls have penises. Some boys have vulvas.”
8) For adults: One-page basics about what it means to be transgender by HRC and Trans Equality
Related Children’s Books
Yesterday, [parent] read the book It Feels Good To Be Yourself to [teacher]’s class and answered questions. If you’d like to add it or other age-appropriate books about gender-expansive or transgender kids to your home library, here are a few great ones to start with (we are happy to provide more upon request!):
Thank you all for your support of [child’s] journey! We feel so lucky to be a part of [school]’s caring and supportive community. Please feel free to contact either of us with any questions at all.
Warmly,
[parents & email addresses]
Trans Parenting: Letters to the World 